Lessons learned...

I watched the movie, "we bought a zoo"  yesterday and for me it was the closing to my book, the finish line ribbon, the moment I have been waiting for.   It isnt like it was this miracle movie and hit some big button in my head but it was the perfect movie at the perfect moment.  As I reflect back on the movie there were a few key sayings that stood out above the rest to me.  

start doing something and STOP feeling sorry for yourself

Why Not

20 seconds of courage

I am not above complaining, I am not above being upset, or being in your moment of anger.  I am also not above realizing your inability of grasp in control and your ability to determine your defeat.  So, I share this with you, not for pity or attention but I share this with you because its a lesson learned.

For 8 months of my life I made my life all about me.  I focused on my weight and my emotional issues.  I took the time each morning @ 5 a.m.  to win the battle of my body against my mind.  I did that each and every day and while in that process in the short time I for 8 months had some of the biggest results of my life.  However,  I hit a bump in my road, I hit a hill, a mountain, or as some would consider a grain of sand.  Doesn't really matter what you call it, but to me it was a bump, a change, a disruption to my process.   You know what I did in that moment?  I fought until I felt I had no more fight in me then I folded like a cheap tent.  I did what Jennifer does all the time, I ran away, I hid, I self destructed, I let go of the control I have of myself.   I have a list of things I can blame it on, I can even name people I want to be so angry at and hate which caused this.  However,  when I step back,  I let go....

Life will knock you down, over and over, when you are at your lowest, oh don't worry, it will make sure you know there is still lower to go.   It doesn't matter if it was caused by hateful sayings, by people leaving you when you needed them the most, people hurting you, drugs, or alcohol, sickness or a list of things.  Its going to happen... its inevitable.  If it hasn't don't feel lucky just give it time.  Your luck will run dry.  What measures your strength what measures your demeanor is what you do when you are there. 

I let others determine my value, my ability, and my demeanor.  I let others own my strength in myself.   I allowed others to win the battle of MY MIND vs MY BODY.  I let this little girls insecurities creep back in, I put the smile back in the box, I stood back against the wall, and I wore the baggy clothes... I hid her.  Watching this movie as it said stop feeling sorry for yourself I realized that was exactly what I was doing.  I was feeling sorry for myself, that I was misunderstood, that people chose to walk away, I was feeling sorry for this girl.   I had the chance to open my hope chest and find myself, I had moments to inspire others and who am I to hide that girl and take her away from anyone but most of all from myself-- that isn't fair.   The courage... well that's where this journey comes back onto the path.  It takes 20 seconds of courage to do something we don't believe we have the ability to do.  I for 8 months on a daily basis completed things I never EVER thought I could, I grew friendships with people I would have NEVER thought I would have gained, I have grown into a girl I NEVER knew I could.  I did that, and only I can defeat myself. 

So I lay my crutches down and walk away from them, I wipe away my tears, I forgive those who aren't sorry, and I erase those pages of my life... because when I look back on my journey... I don't want to remember those times, you are worth more then that and MY book is better then that because..... WHY NOT!