Change...

CHANGE is a word I cringe at.  Eww, I hate it, despise it, and run from it.  However, is it really that bad? 

I dont believe in certain change.  I do however believe in obvious change.  What I mean by this is... I believe things change, thats obvious,  the days turn to night, your body transforms, your sleeping pattern can change.  So, in that respect I get it, I accept it and I think I can embrace it. 

However what I dont believe in is people changing.  By this I mean who you really are.... its impossible. One day you do not love black and the next day hate it, one day you dont wake up and are a total different person.  It isnt possible and the person you are fooling if you believe that anyone cant see right through that is yourself.   

When something happens in our lives a pivotal moment, like cancer, a death of a loved one, etc.  We might change our perspective of life, we might think happier thoughts, love harder, hide deeper, I dont know... however we dont CHANGE ourselves.  

I am a girl who cares a lot about people.  Sometimes I guess too much because I get hurt by peoples actions easily.  If you are eating alone at a table, I feel bad for you,  if you cry, well just bring out the tissue box,  if I am shopping and I see something that triggers a thought of you, I wanna buy it... thats just me.  I however, hate this about myself, cuz it gives me that vulnerability to be hurt that I hate.  So when I am angry, hurt or upset, I run far away... I do whatever it takes to not have to deal with it.  I shut that door and try to forget it.  However, when I watch a movie, I hear every single line, music... good hell thats a horrible trigger... I find myself hurting those around me to protect myself.  Who does that?

ME!!!  I have realized though,  I sit back, and truly, I am lucky... I am lucky to have these friends who I wouldnt call friends anymore who have walked away, I am lucky to have a friend in Vegas that I can TELL EVERYTHING to and she just sits back and listens and gives the best advice.  I have a friend in Washington and he oh my he hears it all and gives me NO ADVICE.  I have friends who text me and check on me, who make sure I post on facebook lots... who pay attention and notice when I fall off the me wagon.   I have so many people making sure I stick to the raw me and that when I try to change and pretend to be someone I am not... they dont allow it.  They dont want it, they care about me even with all the flaws.  

So this is me, I care about people, I hold grudges until things are talked out, I hate hate hate being ignored, I laugh when I am nervous or scared, I am believing in 20 seconds of courage, I am not one who likes face to face confrontation but over text or the phone BRING IT!  If I hang up on you... I expect you to call me back, when you make promises like (you'll always be open and honest with me) I expect you to keep them,  I dont believe in over promising and under delivering because you let people down.  I dont believe you are different and can change your heart, you might change looks, you weight, your features, but your heart, it doesnt change... so if you are trying to pretend its different... I can tell, your eyes speak volumes!!! Well... atleast thats what I choose to believe.

So to everyone out there who is trying to be someone or something they arent... look in the mirror for a minute, you will notice you have a ton of people standing infront of you asking for you to come back... because you are perfect just the way you are!