So, last night as I was falling asleep I started talking to my hubs and I said babe, why you think that I cant let go of things... I said be honest with me, why do I let things just eat me up inside. I said you have to be brutally honest cuz either way I wont like your answer. HAHAHA! Hey atleast I make it simple for him so we dont play read between the lines. He gave me his answer as he twitched and jerked and jumped which means.... HE WAS ASLEEP! Its one of those things that drives me nuts but OH WELL, 10 years, he isnt going to change. So, I had a sleepless night and I went to CrossFit at 6 a.m. need to get back on schedule for school. I came home and started working on some stuff and began to think... What is it that makes me not let things go? Is it the rejetion, the loss of control, it is true care, is it anger, is it lack of closure, is it just simply I dont want to? Its a hard question I think we all have to answer at some point in our lives when we are faced with anything.
I realized though, its part of everything combined in one. I am VIRGO which simply means a HOT FREAKING MESS! I read into things, EVERYTHING, and not caring about things --- well thats just not me. Over this past year I can say my life has changed dramatically, not only in weight, not only in confidence, not only as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friendships, but I feel I have started taking ownership. I am starting to realize my mistakes and the things i HATE about myself and trying to really learn a lesson from everything I encounter that happens good or bad. In my daily interactions with individuals I have to say, I am surprised at peoples ability to be selfish, seriously surprised. I dont know if people are raised to be entitled or what but good hell! However, getting on the benefit concert, I then am hit with an over whelming amount of people wo are GIVING and CHARITABLE and I realize that with all good comes bad, I guess thats why they say opposition in all things. Recently, I have been putting a lot of energy in "making others pay for what they have done" I have always been that kind of girl... you do me wrong you are DONE! This is one of the things I hate about myself, but I honestly dont know how to not protect myself. So after putting all these last hmmm.... year of experiences together I think I can answer my own questions...
I have a hard time letting things go when I see the potential of others and they arent living up to it, is this because I am controlling, partially yes, but it is also because I know the pain of feeling a lack of self worth, I know the pain of trying to build something and not having support, I know the pain of wanting something so much and not getting it, I have lived through that and I want to protect ANYONE I can from that pain. I hate seeing one person allow another to hold them back when they have hundreds waiting. I also struggle because when someone does good for me or affects my life in a way and things go to a mess, I really struggle. I never want to be that girl who is known as the regret, the mistake, the waist of time. I want to affect there life in as much of a postive way as they did mine. I want them to know and see that through me they accomplished amazing things and they need to own some of that.
I guess I have began to ramble here, I just want people to know there potential. we all work onthat daily I know. I am so hypocrite in saying that but honestly... its the truth!