FRUSTRATED

So this last week since I got back from my trip I have been angry. I started to scare myself a little because everything that went wrong I was not getting my normal MOM mad I was really getting angry. Well, yesterday I hit rock bottom, I was frustrated, angry, tired, HOT, and oh I had a husband I could take it out on! So I did. Then he left the house for a little while to let me cool down and just relax. Well, in doing so the creative little bugger went over to his office and looked up all this stuff on (me) ha ha and this morning I woke up to having a "talk" and opening up! Well, tears were shed and it was really good. So...that is what this POST is all about because it is what cameron's research says I should do....LOL....

So, Cameron and I as most of you know lost a baby at 22 weeks pregnant 2 years ago. Since then I have vowed to have NO MORE children. People say STUPID things after you go through that and it is funny after you take emotions out of it because the hospital sends you home with a whole list of things people will say that is stupid. They explain that it is how people are trying to help or fix the situation and to take no offense to it. My favorite one is ... Just have another baby! The hospital response...Oh okay so lets get rid of one of yours and you can have another and all will be fixed (lol) little hospital humor. Well, I have been feeling a little baby hungry and of course I gave in to the feelings. I took a million test and negative we were. Then a positive one came out. Six weeks a long and I shared the great news with the hubby but we were keeping it a secret do to the past. I was not telling ANYONE until I hit my 23 weeks of pregnancy! Well, Cameron came home on Monday said babe I feel so good about this one. I feel like our "little boy" is here and I am so excited. Tuesday morning wake up and BLOOD (excuse the graphics) lots and it just is clots of it. Well, I quickly texted my brother and sister in law (he is a DR) to figure it out. If the bleeding stopped in the next few days nothing to worry about. Well, It did not happen. So off to Washington we went. I really this time just tried to be strong, not let it get to me, then I realized, I am extra sensitive and angry lately and not realizing what it is. In my letting it all out on Cameron yesterday I said you never let me even be mad. You never let me even grieve and that is what threw him for a loop because he has not even know what to do or say or how to act....so the first step to getting through it is shock, second in anger...thats where I am at....but one big part is sharing your story and not keeping it in because this for a man is a process of like it didnt happen ....and for a woman losing a child and losing a piece of herself... so I am strong...I am angry....I do know it happens because that is part of the plan, I get that we "might" be with them once again. I understand how this all works. This is my third run through. I just needed to let it out so if I have been a little B lately it might explain it. I also want to make it PUBLIC that I think I have a great, wonderful, sweet, caring, special husband and he has been a CHAMP through all of this and we will get past this bump in our road and continue on our Journey! Thanks for letting me share this with everyone and help me through the process!