Am I fake or fooling everyone?

I was going to wait until tomorrows weigh in to post next but I saw these quotes and have had a lot on my mind so just could not wait....

I have been blessed in my life to receive some of the most dearest text in the world.  I get some that even bring me to tears...however, on the flip side sometimes I feel guilty because I always think if you only knew the real me? Then as I was reading more quotes I came across this one....

I get in my feelings a lot recently and part of it is my way to protect myself from some things going on and others is because I fight with myself on how I should feel about myself.  Some days I wake up put on makeup get ready and feel great and others when I am home alone at night I cry and feel like things are impossible to reach.  I know a person who went to a therapist this week and the therapist just did an overview.  It was so frustrating to that person because they wanted guidance.  They wanted the answers.  They wanted results.  As I was speaking to this person I said, "look he did give you the answers - change."  I am one who pays very close attention to details.  When behavior changes, texts stop coming in, responses change, attitude is different, likes on Facebook stop happening, recognition disappears...this might be bad but I do this.  I also let it get to me.  As I was sitting here this afternoon I saw a friend get likes from an old friend of mine and it bugged me for a minute.  I then opened up my instagram and had a message from sweet Jana saying Jennifer if only you could see yourself how others do... I thought oh my gosh maybe I am 100% just surrounding myself (and by surrounding myself I mean choosing) to hold onto friendships or relationships that destroy me - hurt me - or are pointless because that is my comfort zone.  Maybe just maybe the things that people text me are true. Maybe that is who I am - maybe I just don't see it because I am holding onto some people who have already left and just am not accepting that.  Life is soooo short and aint nobody got time to be sad.  I love being loved.  I love helping other people.  I find no larger joy in life.  I have faults but who doesn't.   My WWAA leader told me a while back you need to have a LONG look in the mirror!!! That always scares me.  To be vulnerable scares me.  To own my life scares me.  To be great you have responsibility so it is easier to hide behind failures, embarrassment, to just be hidden.   So I challenge you all to be authentic.   To let go of those who do NOT want to be in your life.  To stop holding onto others for their approval or waiting for their text back or their validation.  Nobody you have to try so hard to be seen by is worth it.  Your ability to love and serve others will in turn help you love yourself and for hells sake be honest.  Be honest where you are at and move forward.  Choose happiness.  I do. It is not easy.  If it was easy I probably would not do it - this girl likes a challenge!  Have an amazing day. Pray for me and my weigh in tomorrow.  I have worked hard for this week :)

BUSY AS A BEE -----

Gosh life has seemed so busy for some reason recently but I have lots to update! Mikalene Ipson had her album release happen!!! I got to be a part of this by sitting on the sideline and cheering for her! I was able to watch the guys at Spiral Studios do their master skills and she made it easy with being such a GREAT SINGER!  I love all the songs on her new album. Check it out at www.mikalene.com  she has a song called Sunshine After Rain w/Eric Dodge and she wrote it for my good friends Chad and Ashley Baird so it kind of is close to my heart! Pixie Dust song though makes me go off into another world and feel young so I love that as well...just go check it out!

 I started out on Tuesday having lots of contractions so I went in to the Dr. he was really sweet and just told me to take it easy. It will take 2.5 cm to get this girl into labor so we are just going to take it easy!!!  Then Wednesday Braxton started to have a headache oh and then that led to a flu!!! 102 baby!  He was not loving this.  OH MY GOSH! He was out Thursday Friday and Saturday!  I have kept him drugged up cuz the puke and I are not friends.  We have watched a lot of Duck Dynasty and laughed.  He even asked me what I do all day when he isnt home... I said sure as heck dont sit here and be bored out of my mind!!!  We did have a SWIG run hoping that would do the trick but it made us happy so that is all that matters!  Then wait for it... Cameron C. Turnbow got sick.... STOP RIGHT THERE AND BREATHE!!! SHUT DOWN THE HOUSE. BLINDS SHUT, TEA KETTLE ON, BUBBLE BATH STARTED... CAMERON CLIFFORD TURNBOW IS SICK! HE IS SICK I SAY!  He being the hard worked he is pushed through month end but Friday he joined Braxton on the couch and I about wet crazy!!! I was sick two weeks ago for ten days --- NO MEDICINE --- NO HELP --- Just need to throw that out there!  Well, my poor baby Cameron is sick as all get out and we are ALL praying for him to get better soon!  He is our happy go lucky tool in the family so him being SICK is a KICK in the pants :) BELIEVE YOU ME!

Then last night, I was able to go to Gordon's Birthday party.  I just stopped in with all my sickies at home I made a quick pit stop!  It was so adorable his wife had 50 people bring him 1 balloon at a time.  Im sure he ended up with a little extra but he was in balloon heaven!  His smile was priceless and her reaction was even more adorable I thought it was such a sweet idea though! I loved it!  It was nice to see Mika too because I used to see her every morning and since she hurt her ankle I have been having withdrawls.  I got to see some wonderful people and realized as I drove away how blessed I have been this last year meeting the people I have in the music industry.  I love music - I have been blessed to get to know some people on a personal levels, others not really, but that is what time does it gives us the opportunity to grow, make mistakes, embrace moments, and just be happy!  I love it!  So I hope life has been great for everyone and I will see you all soon :)

THE FIGHTER ---- baby Rayden

Rayden is not only the cause of Kalamity Dance this year he is the son of a VERY good friend of mine. He is my next door neighbors baby and his journey just about breaks my heart every single time I read it... I feel through Amy's words her emotions and I just want everyone to pull together right now and give her the strength her and BABY RAYDEN need! www.raydensfight.blogspot.com We will be holding the huge garage sale on Feb 23rd and WE REALLY NEED to raise as much money as possible to help relieve the financial burden off of this family. They are currently living in the Ronald McDonald home and need to pay for that while not working so they can be with there CHILDREN. If you in ANY way can donate to this cause please contact me as soon as possible..... 435-313-1161 and if all else SERIOUSLY please play for Baby Rayden because that is a power that is stronger then any other!!! We love you little fighter and cannot wait to meet you!!!!

24 Weeks ...

This time I am just going to answer questions that a lot of people ask me so it is more me :)

How far along are you today?   

24 weeks along! 

Are you over being scared yet?

No I am still scared.  I do NOT think I will be over the fear until I am holding him!  

Favorite things people say to you?

Well there are two my Grandma always says, "is your baby dead?" or Rob @ the office always asks how's and motions a baby!  He is scared to ask the wrong question.  I informed him today if it isn't good I wont come in. HAHA

How is your sleep?

What is that?

Best Moment of this Week?

 the BEST moment was finding out my sister is having a boy so he will have a close cousin! 

Movement?

Today I was texting with Mikalene and the baby was going crazy! Made me want to hold him

Food Craving?

Nothing really I am so sick that I cannot taste food anyway so I am not craving anything

Anything making you sick?

Everything, I have the worst indigestion I have ever had but I love it cuz it makes me feel good about the pregnancy! 

Have you started to show?

Um I think I showed from the first day! 9 pregnancies in 10 years  NO HOPE! 

Whats new?

I am physically sick right now with the flu and head cold.  That is a new one for me.  I know some people do not believe in drugs but oh good heavens for a girl that does not being able to take anything to make this pain go away is HORRIBLE!  I want to thank every doctor or person who ever created medicine because I need it and love it and right now wish more then anything I could have it to clear my head cold. I hate hate hate hate hate hate being sick! I also think Cameron goes into MUTE mode physically and mentally when I am sick!  He really doesn't like it.  It is nice though cuz it makes me realize how much I am needed! 

Why dont you post a picture?

I do not like to see pictures of myself in general so pictures of myself bigger is not my cup of tea!  I   need to be a little more secure to do that! 

How big is your baby?

the size of an ear of corn!  He is big enough to make me not hold pee in :) 

Fun Times

Things have seemed a bit crazy recently so I thought I would combined it all together and do a quick update! Last week each kid spend some serious time in the dentist and boy was it fun! High as kites Hailey was saying the funniest things, Awsten thought his poofy jacket was going to blow up, and Braxton just toughed it up with NO HAPPY DRUGS!  We got some really warm weather, Hailey got her hair and nails done, and I got sick sick sick!!!!

Last Friday I told my nephew he got to come play with me so we did just that.  He came with me to the office to work lots and then the kids took over come 1:15.  They took him on walks, to the park, jumped on the tramp, and just played played played until they were all tired!  I love days like that.   Friday my Dad got surgery so I had to go pick up his medicine from Walmart and I was so sick so they felt bad and rushed it through --- I looked like death --- I visited my parents while Cameron and the kids were at the PV basketball and that was pretty much it! My RAVENS won the superbowl which made me super excited! Braxton won his basketball game on Saturday 50-5.  Good game :)   So this week we are focusing on getting better, sleeping again...and life!!!

Cute Saying

We were driving home from school and Awsten was invited to a birthday party for Friday but it is a sleepover.  He goes I can only go on Friday night and I said why?  He goes because Braxton has a basketball game on Saturday morning.  I said oh well.  It isnt a big deal.  He goes Mom I would rather be out supporting my brother then at a party!

---How cute is that!  Braxton then said, its okay Awsten you support me enough you can go to the party!

Love my boys!

Funny saying

So I was telling Cameron about the crazy toilets in Mexico and hailey goes mom don't say that my friend lives in Mexico . I said hailey your friend does not live in Mexico she goes well she speaks mexico

Awsten was watching the mummy and as they are going through the cave he goes I would never do this I'd rather go to school for the rest of my life then do that

Friends

You know when you just clique with someone?  When a friendship forms the instant a smile is shared?  When two people living separate lives, going about their own business, embracing their journey and then all of the sudden your paths cross... starts with messages, text, then phone calls, and meetings then it forms until what I consider a FRIENDSHIP.  Laughter, compromises, understanding???  --- then overtime life gets the best of us - burdens come in the way - our paths start to veer the opposite way but you try to not let it go - you see the value in it, you wont let go, you don't give up...you don't WANT to give up??? All of those emotions triggered for me yesterday and hit home last night.  

If you know me, you know I am what "some" like to call BLACK or WHITE --- ALL or NOTHING kind of girl.  I don't do HUGE NUMBERS of friendships, I find NO VALUE in that.  Either you are my friend, we are acquaintances, or I don't know you!  I have always felt like a friends placement in my life is special and NO MATTER what doesn't end if we hit that place.

Yesterday as four pregnancies of emotions played as a film strip throughout my body I received some of the most endearing text messages, emails, face book comments I could ever ask for.  I shared my story so people understand what it feels like because I have LOTS of people ask questions so why not share.  I smiled all day realizing how blessed I was with friends who some I haven't talked to in a while but they cared, they acknowledged, and they comforted.   Then as I entered into the evening, I was heading out to a benefit concert and I was able to see what I explained above... a FRIEND who though things have gotten in our way - who are paths have been off and it was cool.  We laughed and talked about horrible things she is experiencing, about things I am going through, we related we felt for each other.  It was just neat.  The night that I was bracing myself for actually turned out to be one of those ahhhhhh moments.

As I laid down for bed I just reflected on the whole day.  The great friends I have, the laughter shared, the memories made, the enchanted moments.   I am one lucky girl who is blessed daily with great people in my life.  I know this past year I have learned so much and I wish nothing but to be half the friend to those who I have in my life.

Baby

Days like today :/

Well I hit my big 22 weeks of pregnancy.  Felt like I got this in the bag.  Had a moment of hope - I called my Dr. office to see when my appointment will be next to find out I missed it! What?  This is a big ultrasound one for me. This is usually when the bad news happens.  I was really mad at myself but scheduled it for Monday the 28th and was on the free and clear!  Well... this morning I woke up and havent felt the baby all morning.  By 10 a.m. I always feel him moving around... it is almost down to a schedule and I felt nothing.  I didnt even feel pregnant.  I started to get really scared!  I just cleaned up the house, showered, shaved... texted Cameron and really tried to just let things be.  So 11:11 a.m. (if you know me this time of day I wish on daily) I got in the car, made a wish, and headed to the office.   Felt NOTHING.  As I was driving to pick up some items from the dollar store I began to cry --- what if this was it.  I know I have done this four times so I will be able to handle it and I am not going to go in because I cant change the results from today to Monday so I will just be patient.  Cameron started asking fifty questions; " Babe, why are you crying? " -- "how do you feel"  -- "what are you scared of" blah blah I didnt respond cuz when I cry I dont like to talk.   He flipped the car around and said we are going to the Dr. you are not going to go through this feeling scared.  I said to him babe this is just my reality.   He drove up the Dr. office and I just sat int he car while he talked with the nurse.  I texted my sister and just cried and cried and cried.  One I felt so stupid for going in, Two I hate that I dont have control of my emotions.  I always am in control of my emotions and I dont let myself fall weak. Three - what if this is going to be bad.  Cameron came out to the car and in we went for the appointment.  So as I walked in with RED EYES the nurse goes Jennifer--- I lost it, I just hate the attention all the emotions. I was a mess.  I walked back and every single person smiles and just says NOTHING they are as scared as you are!  I got up on the table, said sorry to the Ultrasound lady (who I love) and I just lifted the shirt and held my breath.   Jelly on the stomach, first thing you see is the head - well it has a head - next thing she says is there is his little heart beating away.  I just cried.  She measured his heartbeat and I just cried and cried.  She measured everything on him and said probably fifty times "he is PERFECT, everything looks great" --- just then Dr. Ott walks in and goes JJJJJJJJTTTTTTT how are things.  I said nothing.  Cameron talked a little and he and the ultrasound lady just spoke to one another.  Then he said do you have any questions, I began to cry again... he goes I love emotions.  He goes I missed you on Monday my heart skips a beat when I dont see you! I laughed!  Everything was fine.  The baby is fine, my fluid is fine, my heart is scared but everything is perfect!  The Ultrasound Lady (I need to get to know her name) goes hey we will see you in a few weeks or Monday if you want :) I said NO MONDAY I am fine - she goes well just in case you want you are always welcome.  As I walked out of the room I got applause from everyone.  I just laughed!  Of course my blood pressure was a little high but we have to stop taking it on days like today! They told me to get me some icecream and relax for the rest of the day!  So ---- that is the story of today :) It is only 1:46 am too :) HAHA!

Cute saying

We are watching American idol and a freak was on and as Hailey was playing with the phone and the girl sings hailey goes well she is a good singer but looks like a hobo. I said hailey what's a hobo and she goes that girl lol

22 baby

Stole this from my little sister!~ Thought it was cute so going to use it!!!

How far along?

 22 weeks today

Total weight gain/loss: 

Probably like 25 but its all in the chest well and belly

Maternity clothes? 

That isnt going to happen

Sleep: 

Not happening I am so freaking tired.  I wake up a MILLION times at night and cannot figure out why! 

Best moment this week:

I have "day best" moments not really "week" ones because it is all about feeling the baby move.  I get major anxiety if it doesn't.

Miss Anything?

I miss working out hard at CrossFit. I still do CrossFit but I have to modify and this girl does not like restrictions. 

Movement:

If not I force it with a shot of Mt.Dew you are welcome :) 

Food cravings: 

El Coyote - I seriously could eat it every single day

Anything making you queasy or sick:

Milk in any way shape or form. 

Have you started to show yet: 

Shoot I look ten months pregnant already! 

Gender: 

 I am hermi from here on out! Boy parts!!!

Labor Signs: 

Lots of contractions but that just puts me to bed for a few days so its all good

Belly Button in or out?

In - never had popped out on any pregnancy 

Happy or Moody most of the time:

I am happy but have to force it. I get depressed a lot but I think that is due to bed time and then I get too much thinking time then I get way emotional

Looking forward to: 

Having a baby live

What's New? 

I haven't bought one thing for the baby, I haven't even purchased an outfit.  Last time I lost a baby I chucked everything in the garbage and was angry for a really long time and I am scared to death this time and do NOT want to go through that again! So, I am really trying be OPTIMISTICALLY CAUTIOUS! 

Bears & Basketball

Braxton had a busy week, he recieved his BEAR in scouts.  I have NO idea what that even means but he got it and was sure excited about it :)   He also had a BIG basketball game which was against a perfectly matched team!   We WON!!!!   He is really enjoying his team this year and that is always fun for a Mom!!! 

Now wait for it....I got released :)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am no longer a 11-12 year old primary teacher! I was excited about this because they already released Cameron last week so I wasn't about to take on this calling  by myself!  Then I recieved a new calling as the Young Womens Secretary!  I am so excited about this calling.  I have ALWAYS wanted to be in young womens and couldn't ask for a better calling! No TALKING for me :) LOL! 

Have an amazing Sunday!!!

Cute quotes 1/15/2013

My little dork!!! Cameron reads to the kids to put them to sleep and the last two days he has been reading to Hailey and as he reads she will grab his arm and go okay Dad that is enough then leans over and falls asleep!  She is so funny!!!!

Get back into it...

I read my blog book at church the other day and decided I need to get back into BLOGGING! There are so many FUN moments I miss out on not writing a BLOG.  I would do a whole reflection over the last year but why do that when I got so much new stuff happening.  Live and Learn and LET GO of the past so we shall all move forward...

Cameron just got called into the Second Counselor of Young Mens so he is now the scout master.  He is so excited about that but more then ever our last year primary class is on cloud nine. 

Hailey is still dancing for Kalamity and this week she is performing with the Desert Hills Drill Team at the halftime show.  She loves her Chinese class and told us last night yesterday was her last day of being allowed to speak English in the class so her plan is to just sit there and be quiet! We will see how nice this works.

Awsten has joined Kalamity as well and is dancing in Boys Hip Hop with his Best Friend Parker Bourgoin. They have a ton of fun together and love their teacher Miss. Irene.   He is also starting up Paino again and just waiting for football to start back up!!!

Braxton has hit a whole new spelling level in his class. I had to call my Dad last night trying to figure out how to even say these words.  It is sort of hard to give a kid a verbal spelling test when you cant even say the words right.  I used to have a friend who always used big words and I always made fun of him and now I see maybe I am just the one who LACKED 4th grade haha!  He is playing basketball and his coach is from BYU Hawaii Basketball team and can dunk the ball so he thinks that is pretty cool.

For me, well, the pregnancy is at a point of scary moments.  I have one week left until I feel clear and so days of not feeling the baby move get the best of me.  I just down a Mt. Dew though and the baby goes wild.  We are stoked for the little boy inside us to come to this world.  Hailey talks to him daily which makes me so happy and feel good.  So far the Dr. says everything looks normal.  I have had a TON of cramping this last week but then I just go to bed rest when it happens and after two days it usually clears up.  I cant wait until Kalamity starts into new benefit shows so we can get this year going!!!

I really am going to try to keep up with the blog so I hope you all subscribe to it and enjoy!

My wish....

So, last night as I was falling asleep I started talking to my hubs and I said babe, why you think that I cant let go of things... I said be honest with me, why do I let things just eat me up inside.  I said you have to  be brutally honest cuz either way I wont like your answer.  HAHAHA! Hey atleast I make it simple for him so we dont play read between the lines.  He gave me his answer as he twitched and jerked and jumped which means.... HE WAS ASLEEP!  Its one of those things that drives me nuts but OH WELL, 10 years, he isnt going to change.  So, I had a sleepless night and I went to CrossFit at 6 a.m. need to get back on schedule for school.  I came home and started working on some stuff and began to think... What is it that makes me not let things go?  Is it the rejetion, the loss of control, it is true care, is it anger, is it lack of closure, is it just simply I dont want to?  Its a hard question I think we all have to answer at some point in our lives when we are faced with anything. 

I realized though, its part of everything combined in one.  I am VIRGO which simply means a HOT FREAKING MESS!  I read into things, EVERYTHING, and not caring about things --- well thats just not me.  Over this past year I can say my life has changed dramatically, not only in weight, not only in confidence, not only as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friendships, but I feel I have started taking ownership.  I am starting to realize my mistakes and the things i HATE about myself and trying to really learn a lesson from everything I encounter that happens good or bad.   In my daily interactions with individuals I have to say, I am surprised at peoples ability to be selfish, seriously surprised.  I dont know if people are raised to be entitled or what but good hell!  However, getting on the benefit concert, I then am hit with an over whelming amount of people wo are GIVING and CHARITABLE and I realize that with all good comes bad, I guess thats why they say opposition in all things.  Recently, I have been putting a lot of energy in "making others pay for what they have done" I have always been that kind of girl... you do me wrong you are DONE!  This is one of the things I hate about myself, but I honestly dont know how to not protect myself.  So after putting all these last hmmm.... year of experiences together I think I can answer my own questions...

I have a hard time letting things go when I see the potential of others and they arent living up to it, is this because I am controlling, partially yes, but it is also  because I know the pain of feeling a lack of self worth, I know the pain of trying to build something and not having support, I know the pain of wanting something so much and not getting it, I have lived through that and I want to protect ANYONE I can from that pain.  I hate seeing one person allow another to hold them back when they have hundreds waiting.  I also struggle because when someone does good for me or affects my life in a way and things go to a mess, I really struggle. I never want to be that girl who is known as the regret, the mistake, the waist of time.  I want to affect there life in as much of a postive way as they did mine.  I want them to know and see that through me they accomplished amazing things and they need to own some of that. 

I guess I have began to ramble here, I just want people to know there potential. we all work onthat daily I know.  I  am so hypocrite in saying that but honestly... its the truth!

Lesson I have learned over the last little while...

So I was thinking today as I was cleaning about something said to me recently, "Im going through ALOT but I know everyone is so I dont want to be a woe is me attitude." If this person knew me they would have known how MUCH I disagree with that statement.  I am a believer that everyone deserves a WOE IS ME time.  Its like April said in Zumba

someone will always be better then you, someone will always have more then you.... but dont let that hold you back from shaking your booty! 

Yeah in life things happen for different people at different times but we all have our very own obstacles and in that moment for me its just bad enough to say WOE IS ME!  Anyhow, as I was thinking about that and thinking about my life for the last ten years I think good heavens -- I have been through a lot and I have only just begun. 

So the lessons I have learned over the last little while are to some simple to me AN OBSTACLE!

1. Actions dont speak louder then words.  You always need both.
2. If its a habit to run away everytime you get scared or hurt the only way to break that habit is to not.
3. You really find joy in the service of others and that joy is more then any amount of money.
4. People should always be validated and appreciated and its selfish to not acknowledge others.
5. Sometimes you have to be selfish to in turn become selfless.
6. Your journey now is going to change the lives of others later.
7. Sometimes the whole lesson is to prove you wont be the goodbye
8. Food doesnt make you gain weight emotion does.
9. Most the time when the loved ones around us dont support us its because we dont believe in ourselves and they see right though that.
10. People sometimes wait for life to happen, they believe time heals things, over time people will see what they see... they are wrong!  Time just allows space until the inevitable which is dealing with things.  So you might as well scream it out, throw it, break it, change it now... cuz its going to happen.
11. Your biggest accomplishment can sometimes be your biggest let down.
12. Sometimes you when you keep trying to figure things out you miss the whole opportunity that is right infront of you --- you just let others take away your belief.
13. People pleasing will never make you happy
14. Its okay to never forget the small things!

See like I said simple lessons... but big Obstacles to learn them.

Heart a pounding...

So for the last 4 weeks we have been doing this WeightLoss Challenge at CrossFit Zion (where I crossfit) and I got the honor of weighing in people.  Everyone signed up one day and I havent thought much about it since.  Then yesterday I had the opportunity to weigh in everyone for the FINAL WEIGH IN.  Some were scared to come in, some just came because they were dragged, and others came because they were proud of their results.  As I was adding up the inches lost on everyones papers it was fun to see their faces as they saw the end number.  Two people inparticular I was caught by surprise their numbers and clap and screamed of excitement when I saw them.  It was crazy though because I was so proud of them and I got to watch them feel so proud of themselves.  One person was as excited as me.  We just smiled and laughed and just were happy, the other played it off like hey thats awesome but you could see in his eyes the proud feelings that overcame him.  They have all worked so hard to accomplish such BIG results in 4 weeks it was amazing to watch.  As I sat back and filed away each persons paper I got to reflect a little bit on my journey.  No secret that I have struggled a little over these past few months and have had some BIG DECISIONS to make.  I have decided that I am unwilling to go back to the place I was a few months ago because I emotionally cant handle that rejection.  Though I have NO CHOICE over what others do I CAN choose what I do and I realize that.... now.  So I am at a BIG CROSSROAD and its been weighing on me this last week.  So as I watched these amazing people EACH AND EVERYONE of them accomplish there 4 week weightloss challenge the relection of my success is something I have get to hold close to my heart.  It is a chapter in my book, its a feeling of success that unless you have lived it, you can never explain.  People come and go out of our lives and though I DESPISE that saying, I realize in this moment, I am so blessed for the people I have had along my journey.  My trainers for the last few months Chad &  Lil' Ryan have really pushed the workouts to a whole new level.  I have got to watch so many around me go down in band sizes, change their eating, start lifting more weight and for me.  That is my favorite part of the day.  When someone does something they didnt think they could.  I love seeing the success of others.  It honestly just makes me smile.  So congrats to everyone in the weightloss challenge.  Even if you didnt win the grand prize... you just won an AMAZING chapter to your story!

Change...

CHANGE is a word I cringe at.  Eww, I hate it, despise it, and run from it.  However, is it really that bad? 

I dont believe in certain change.  I do however believe in obvious change.  What I mean by this is... I believe things change, thats obvious,  the days turn to night, your body transforms, your sleeping pattern can change.  So, in that respect I get it, I accept it and I think I can embrace it. 

However what I dont believe in is people changing.  By this I mean who you really are.... its impossible. One day you do not love black and the next day hate it, one day you dont wake up and are a total different person.  It isnt possible and the person you are fooling if you believe that anyone cant see right through that is yourself.   

When something happens in our lives a pivotal moment, like cancer, a death of a loved one, etc.  We might change our perspective of life, we might think happier thoughts, love harder, hide deeper, I dont know... however we dont CHANGE ourselves.  

I am a girl who cares a lot about people.  Sometimes I guess too much because I get hurt by peoples actions easily.  If you are eating alone at a table, I feel bad for you,  if you cry, well just bring out the tissue box,  if I am shopping and I see something that triggers a thought of you, I wanna buy it... thats just me.  I however, hate this about myself, cuz it gives me that vulnerability to be hurt that I hate.  So when I am angry, hurt or upset, I run far away... I do whatever it takes to not have to deal with it.  I shut that door and try to forget it.  However, when I watch a movie, I hear every single line, music... good hell thats a horrible trigger... I find myself hurting those around me to protect myself.  Who does that?

ME!!!  I have realized though,  I sit back, and truly, I am lucky... I am lucky to have these friends who I wouldnt call friends anymore who have walked away, I am lucky to have a friend in Vegas that I can TELL EVERYTHING to and she just sits back and listens and gives the best advice.  I have a friend in Washington and he oh my he hears it all and gives me NO ADVICE.  I have friends who text me and check on me, who make sure I post on facebook lots... who pay attention and notice when I fall off the me wagon.   I have so many people making sure I stick to the raw me and that when I try to change and pretend to be someone I am not... they dont allow it.  They dont want it, they care about me even with all the flaws.  

So this is me, I care about people, I hold grudges until things are talked out, I hate hate hate being ignored, I laugh when I am nervous or scared, I am believing in 20 seconds of courage, I am not one who likes face to face confrontation but over text or the phone BRING IT!  If I hang up on you... I expect you to call me back, when you make promises like (you'll always be open and honest with me) I expect you to keep them,  I dont believe in over promising and under delivering because you let people down.  I dont believe you are different and can change your heart, you might change looks, you weight, your features, but your heart, it doesnt change... so if you are trying to pretend its different... I can tell, your eyes speak volumes!!! Well... atleast thats what I choose to believe.

So to everyone out there who is trying to be someone or something they arent... look in the mirror for a minute, you will notice you have a ton of people standing infront of you asking for you to come back... because you are perfect just the way you are!

Memorial Day Weekend

 We started off attending the Polynesian Culture thing out in Tuachan.  It was fun to see my old Zumba group out there dancing away.  I ran into a couple of friends and that always makes for a great day!  Hailey got up and actually danced cuz she has friends around and it ended up being a great hour of funness! 

 These are random photos of the last week.  The house in the picture is a single wide out in hurricane and its been turned into three apartments.  UM.... AMAZING!  Jaerick is showing me how strong he is.  Jaerick and I were hiding from the wind in the bottom picture.  Haileys shirt says Brothers are Awesome so she wore it to bed the night before there last day of school kind of adorable!!!

 Saturday after the show at Tuachan we took the kids bowling. Now this is a KIDS DAY tradition on the 1st of January growing up for me so I thought the kids might love it.  They loved loved loved it and um- Braxton beat me! WTH!!!!  It was a ton of fun. 

These pictures are a happy sad.  Hailey Bailey finished the big Kindergarten.  She is now moving onto first grade where she will spend half her day learning Chinese and the other regular English studies.   She did so good and had some really great memories made.  The school year is over, cant actually believe it and now we have a TON of summer days to plan out.  It seems like it is going to be a hot hot summer so summer funness is off with a bang.  Awsten gets his stitches out on Wednesday.  Haileys finger is scabbed enough to allow swimming.  Cameron is training for his first triathlon which will be fun to watch and my cousins are coming to Vegas next weekend so I am on cloud 500 of excited for that.  I am currently sick :( Thank you stephanie!!! However, I have returned to CrossFit been able to post 2 beyond the whiteboard posts and feel better then ever!  It felt so good to get back into my routine.  I wish everything was back to normal however, I can only control myself, not others :(  Oh and last update... my dad is doing okay.  They keep putting off the amputation so I am REALLY happy about that.  I think the prayers are paying off :)  Thank you EVERYONE for them.  They have been needed!!! Have a safe and wonderful memorial day and thank you to everyone who lost their lives so we could have the freedom we have today!

Lessons learned...

I watched the movie, "we bought a zoo"  yesterday and for me it was the closing to my book, the finish line ribbon, the moment I have been waiting for.   It isnt like it was this miracle movie and hit some big button in my head but it was the perfect movie at the perfect moment.  As I reflect back on the movie there were a few key sayings that stood out above the rest to me.  

start doing something and STOP feeling sorry for yourself

Why Not

20 seconds of courage

I am not above complaining, I am not above being upset, or being in your moment of anger.  I am also not above realizing your inability of grasp in control and your ability to determine your defeat.  So, I share this with you, not for pity or attention but I share this with you because its a lesson learned.

For 8 months of my life I made my life all about me.  I focused on my weight and my emotional issues.  I took the time each morning @ 5 a.m.  to win the battle of my body against my mind.  I did that each and every day and while in that process in the short time I for 8 months had some of the biggest results of my life.  However,  I hit a bump in my road, I hit a hill, a mountain, or as some would consider a grain of sand.  Doesn't really matter what you call it, but to me it was a bump, a change, a disruption to my process.   You know what I did in that moment?  I fought until I felt I had no more fight in me then I folded like a cheap tent.  I did what Jennifer does all the time, I ran away, I hid, I self destructed, I let go of the control I have of myself.   I have a list of things I can blame it on, I can even name people I want to be so angry at and hate which caused this.  However,  when I step back,  I let go....

Life will knock you down, over and over, when you are at your lowest, oh don't worry, it will make sure you know there is still lower to go.   It doesn't matter if it was caused by hateful sayings, by people leaving you when you needed them the most, people hurting you, drugs, or alcohol, sickness or a list of things.  Its going to happen... its inevitable.  If it hasn't don't feel lucky just give it time.  Your luck will run dry.  What measures your strength what measures your demeanor is what you do when you are there. 

I let others determine my value, my ability, and my demeanor.  I let others own my strength in myself.   I allowed others to win the battle of MY MIND vs MY BODY.  I let this little girls insecurities creep back in, I put the smile back in the box, I stood back against the wall, and I wore the baggy clothes... I hid her.  Watching this movie as it said stop feeling sorry for yourself I realized that was exactly what I was doing.  I was feeling sorry for myself, that I was misunderstood, that people chose to walk away, I was feeling sorry for this girl.   I had the chance to open my hope chest and find myself, I had moments to inspire others and who am I to hide that girl and take her away from anyone but most of all from myself-- that isn't fair.   The courage... well that's where this journey comes back onto the path.  It takes 20 seconds of courage to do something we don't believe we have the ability to do.  I for 8 months on a daily basis completed things I never EVER thought I could, I grew friendships with people I would have NEVER thought I would have gained, I have grown into a girl I NEVER knew I could.  I did that, and only I can defeat myself. 

So I lay my crutches down and walk away from them, I wipe away my tears, I forgive those who aren't sorry, and I erase those pages of my life... because when I look back on my journey... I don't want to remember those times, you are worth more then that and MY book is better then that because..... WHY NOT!